Enter the space here

It wasn’t until I was twenty-five, living alone for the first time, that I finally allowed myself to focus on what I truly desired. My eating routine was one area that shifted back into place, and I fell into a rhythm of preparing small portions again and tuning into what I enjoyed eating instead of consuming what others around me ate. Making healthy choices and eating at scheduled times brought me back to feeling in complete flow again. I looked vibrant, felt healthy, and exuded a humble air of confidence because I was in the best shape of my life.

But this liberating time of my life was short lived when, only about a year later, I met my now ex-husband and began to conform to his food-centered mindset. Food made him happy, or moody, so eating along with him was another way I attempted to gain his love. I found myself on a never-ending, unsuccessful loop of making food, bringing home surprise desserts, suggesting restaurants, and loading up on fudge or kettle corn at fairs so we’d have something new and delicious to eat each night while watching shows in a futile attempt to lift his mood. The body and health I had achieved on my own which allowed me to feel comfortable, in control of my life, and radiant in my own skin, began to disappear once again.

Throughout our marriage, he wasn’t verbally affectionate and I can count on my hands the number of times he commented on my appearance over the fifteen years we were together. Of those times, the only words I remember hearing were, “You look nice.” Hearing that word…”nice” actually made me feel worse. To me, it felt so vague, so impersonal, and it was what I’d expect him to say to his mother.

I longed for him to look me in the eyes, really look at me, and say something detailed like, “Your smile is beautiful.” I ached for him to look at me at all and just kept yearning for him to show any sign that I was attractive. I often said to him in a joking way, “Are you even attracted to me?” I’d laugh it off as I spoke the words and he’d reply in a monotone voice, “I wouldn’t have married you if I wasn’t attracted to you,” but actions definitely speak louder than words and, from my perspective, I’ve never seen any tangible evidence of it.

Since he was a man of few words, what he did say really stuck with me and I’ll never forget when he told me he didn’t like me “too skinny.” It was confusing because I was “skinny” when he met me. I was skinny when he was vying for my attention and repeatedly asking me out before we got together. But pleasing him and gaining his affection and love meant everything to me so I watched as the twenty extra pounds slowly enveloped me again like a dark blanket I crawled under, shielding my true self and keeping it buried from everyone, including myself.

Being “skinny” wasn’t what mattered to me. There wasn’t a specific number I wanted to see on the scale, or a certain pants size I was looking to fit into. I was just striving for that feeling again. The feeling of being comfortable in my own skin, the one that allowed me to feel like I was the true me, not an imposter walking around in someone else’s body. If other people viewed it as “skinny,” I guess that was their perception. To me, it was just me.

But what I wanted didn’t matter to me. The crazy thing about it was, all of this was happening subconsciously. I had no conscious awareness of my choices or why I was making them. I wasn’t outwardly resentful or angry towards him and graciously obliged his needs and wants, feeling proud to be such a responsive, thoughtful wife. Unbeknownst to me at the time, not only was my physical state being affected, but so was my mental, emotional, and spiritual health. By not being my true authentic self, it lowered my confidence and self worth, leaving me stuck in a disempowered state of being which contributed to a slow spiral into darkness.

Embodying Your True Authentic Self

Reflection Questions

Enter the space here

There are many paths to reach wholeness, and all are honored, special, and unique. Throughout your life, you are never “behind” because everything that happens is exactly as it was meant to be. We are powerful co-creators with God, and we can mold and shape our lives as we choose. That being said, there are certain things we agreed to during our time here, and every person we encounter, we’ve created a soul contract with before our soul entered our body. Whether you affect someone and bring them joy or do something that absolutely triggers them, it is all part of your soul’s growth, expansion, and evolution.

Knowing this was a breakthrough for me as I began to observe situations and experiences I had gone through with understanding and appreciation, rather than guilt, shame, or resentment. I also shifted from thinking I had wasted huge chunks of my life by staying stuck and realized that everything had been divinely aligned and orchestrated for me. You see, we’re not really doing things, we are receiving and being. As things unfold, we are meant to be the observer, respond rather than react, and find gratitude in all that occurs as we learn.

For example, I recognized that my ex-husband and I had agreed to play a role for each other, just like a play on stage, in order for us to learn lessons we had not yet mastered in previous incarnations so that each of us could grow closer to self-love. This is what is referred to as karma. We agreed to have a karmic relationship that would greatly trigger each other. From a human perspective, the trauma I experienced during our relationship could be viewed negatively but on the spiritual plane, it played out exactly as we had planned. His soul actually loved me so much that he signed up to carry out the things I needed illuminated the most, even though it meant I would feel pain and hurt. And, in turn, I did the same for him.

This also plays in with the law of attraction. Because we are made up of energy, any vibration we send out draws in more of the same, regardless of what we may be verbalizing. Since I continued to send out the vibrations of being unworthy, unappreciated, ignored, unattractive, unloved, hurt, and taken advantage of, that’s what I kept receiving. I was settling and that’s exactly what I kept getting, second best. Once I began to shift my perspective and heal internally, I began to notice my outer world shifting in an elevated way as well. The people I began attracting into my life, the way people treated me, and the experiences and opportunities that occurred for me began to come from love and my entire life turned around. And this led me to the motto that I live my life by: Everything happens for you, not to you.

Everything Happens for You, Not to You

Reflection Questions

Enter the space here

Sunsets have always been my thing. Ever since I can remember, I have been mesmerized by their magnificent glow and brilliant colors. Whether I’m visiting the mountains, the beach, or just away on vacation somewhere else, I’m consistently drawn to the places and spaces I can catch even a glimpse of the breathtaking sun bidding goodnight to the world. They touch me deeply and seem to melt me to the core. Now I realize the even deeper connection I have with sunsets after meeting my guardian angel, Muriel. When she appears, she emanates the gorgeous soft glow of sunset colors flowing with a mix of light orange and pink. She is my perfect personal sunset.

I can recall countless memories of chasing the sunset in the past in an attempt to capture this daily, unique experience. When away on vacation, I’d meticulously check sunset times in the area and pencil them into a timeslot on the rigidly planned vacation agenda, as if it were part of a nagging to-do list. It was always calculated and planned so I could make sure I didn’t miss it. But my state of being was different now and frantically running or driving towards the setting sun no longer resonated with me. The way I happened upon the sunset this evening was perfectly aligned with my new flow state of being.

After twenty years apart, I was led to Colorado for a surreal four-day reunion with Graham, my twin soul. After our hike through Red Rock Canyon, Graham calmly drove up and down the Colorado roads with no trace of urgency. He had known about my love of sunsets and suddenly felt the pull to go see one tonight. Not knowing whether there would even be a view near us, he followed the tug of his soul and turned the car around to head the opposite way. Confidently moving in the direction he was being led, we ended up at the top of a raised area on the side of the road. The sky stretched for miles in a 360-degree view and I could already start to see the pink hues emerge.

“I’m so excited!” I said, overjoyed.

Instead of focusing on the sunset, Graham seemed mesmerized by my reaction and I felt his insides light up at the sight of my joyful expression. He seemed to twinkle with delight witnessing my elation. I bounded out of the car and drank up the rapidly setting sun as I spun around, observing the light pink, peach, and golden colors filling the sky all around us.

Looking out across the horizon, the scene was picture-perfect with the tall hay-like grass swaying in the wind surrounded by farm fencing made up of thin wooden slats. The sun sank even further down and shifted from peach pink to light pink with a tint of violet above. The deep gold surrounding the clouds shifted to a bright shining yellow creating an entirely new picture across the sky. It was as if the sky was glowing for us.

Not thinking this moment could get any better, our lips merged and became a blaze matching the fireball sinking down behind the mountain range, filling me with the most unbelievable feeling of pure love.

Shifting to Freedom and Flow

Reflection Questions